You had high hopes for that new person in your life, but a week has gone by without so much as a text. What gives? And how can you pick yourself up and move on?
Sounds like you’ve been ghosted. Psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD, explains why people do it and how to stop feeling haunted by phantoms of your past.
What is ghosting?
Ghosting is the act of abruptly disappearing from someone else’s life without explanation. And it’s become the new norm in dating and beyond. In one study, 25% of participants said they’d been ghosted by a romantic partner or friend.
Sometimes, ghosting is abrupt and obvious, like when someone blocks you on a dating app. But other times, it’s a slower burn — a series of actions that make you eventually realize someone has lost interest without telling you. Being ghosted can lead to a type of ambiguous loss — that is, loss without closure.
“Just by giving this behavior a name, it’s been turned into a more commonplace practice,” Dr. Albers says. “The term covertly suggests that this is a normal way to end a relationship that you’re no longer interested in.”
But that doesn’t mean it’s the right way to act. There are far better strategies to end a relationship, even a casual one with someone you don’t yet know well.
Signs that you’re being ghosted
Here are some ways to tell that you’ve been ghosted or that it may be on the horizon:
- The relationship has started to feel one-sided, like you’re putting in more effort than they are.
- You’re always the one to start conversations or try to make plans.
- The tone of their responses has changed, seeming shorter or colder than before.
- They act wishy-washy about making plans with you or bail on agreed-upon plans.
- They’ve unmatched with you on dating apps or unfollowed you on social media.
- They’ve started taking a long time to respond to your messages.
- They’ve stopped responding to you entirely.
Of course, all of these signs should be taken in context. Taking a while to respond doesn’t inherently equal ghosting. Your new paramour could be at work or with family or otherwise occupied, not ignoring you.
“When you’re trying to figure out if you’re being ghosted, do your best to be rational and objective,” Dr. Albers recommends.
Why do people ghost?
Ghosting can reveal a lot about how someone handles conflict, approaches difficult situations and treats others in the long term. There’s no single reason why people do it, Dr. Albers says, and it’s usually a combination of personality traits and personal issues:
- They don’t know how to handle conflict. “The overarching reason many people ghost is to avoid conflict,” Dr. Albers shares. Ghosters may have grown up in families where conflict and arguments were taboo, so they didn’t have role models to show them how to communicate about emotional issues.
- They don’t want to hurt your feelings. “Simply disappearing side-steps conversations where they’d have to experience hurt feelings or arguments,” Dr. Albers notes. In some cases, people who ghost may genuinely believe they’re doing you a favor by letting you avoid the experience of feeling rejected.
- They’re prone to passive aggression. People who handle things in passive-aggressive ways tend to ghost, Dr. Albers notes. “They’re prone to running from responsibilities that make them uncomfortable,” she says. “Think of it like quitting a job: Instead of putting in a notice, they just stop showing up.”
- They don’t have a secure attachment style. Attachment styles can affect how our interpersonal relationships evolve — including the tendency to ghost. “Anxiously attached people want to be close to others, but their insecurity about the relationship can make it hard for them to stay,” Dr. Albers explains. “In contrast, people with avoidant attachment style may back away from intimacy and feel that it’s safer or easier to be alone.”
While technology isn’t a reason to ghost, Dr. Albers recognizes that our societal reliance on it has made it easier than ever to opt out of tough conversations.
“When you’ve mostly — or only — connected through text or a dating app, it’s easy to avoid any in-person awkwardness,” she points out. “It’s that much easier to hide behind the smoke screen of technology.”
What to do if you’ve been ghosted
If you’ve experienced ghosting firsthand, it can be hard to understand how someone could be so heartless. Here’s what you can do to protect yourself from harm and work your way through it.
Feel your feelings
It’s OK to grieve a breakup — yes, even if it wasn’t a full-fledged relationship, and even if the other person didn’t give you the courtesy of telling you. Prioritize self-care and lean on your support system to get you through the initial period of sadness.
But it’s also OK if you can’t do it on your own. Being ghosted can hurt your feelings and even make you doubt your worthiness. In a 2024 study, ghostees reported questioning their sense of control, self-esteem, belongingness and even the meaning of their existence.
That’s a lot to deal with alone, and it’s understandable if you need some assistance. If you’re having trouble coping, a therapist may be able to help you process your feelings and rebuild your self-esteem.
Write it out
In emotionally fraught times, self-reflection can help you process what you’re going through. Dr. Albers says journaling in particular is a good way to reframe negative thoughts and turn difficult experiences into helpful lessons.
Ask yourself: What worked for you in that relationship? What didn’t? Take an inventory of any red flags that cropped up early in the relationship, too.
“Usually, you can pinpoint a few things in the relationship that were really off,” she adds. “Identifying them can help you avoid those pitfalls in the future and avoid future heartbreak.”
Don’t blame yourself
After you’ve been ghosted, resist the urge to turninward to identify something you did to make it happen.
“Ghosting says more about the person doing it than it does about you,” Dr. Albers reinforces. “Consider what their actions tell you about how they approach feelings. Would you even want to be with someone who can’t communicate with you directly?”
In other words? It’s not you. It’s them. And you deserve better.
Find your own closure
You may be tempted to look for explanations for why someone left without so much as a word of goodbye. But you may not get the answers you seek.
If you’ve asked the other person what’s going on and haven’t heard back, you’re left trying to figure out how to move forward — without the closure you so desperately (and understandably!) want.
“It can be hard, but try to get comfortable with not knowing,” Dr. Albers encourages. “Remind yourself that for whatever reason, this person wasn’t ready for this relationship. And that’s OK.”
Ultimately, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself and on moving forward in ways that set you up for an emotionally healthy future.
“My mantra is ‘Don’t look back.’ You’re not going that way,” Dr. Albers says. “Take ghosting as a blessing in disguise. It just means you two weren’t a good match — nothing more.”