You and your spouse used to click. Now, it feels like you’re constantly clashing.
If recurring arguments, parenting conflicts or trust issues are driving a wedge between you, marriage counseling may help.
Psychologist Adam Borland, PsyD, explains the benefits of couples counseling, why it helps most people and when it doesn’t work.
Does couples counseling work?
It’s understandable to wonder whether couples therapy is worth the time, effort and expense. But research shows it helps in many cases.
“Couples counseling has an improvement rate of 70% to 80%,” Dr. Borland explains. “Most people who do this therapy are better off at the end of it than those who don’t do it at all.”
So, what makes counseling effective for so many couples?
“A healthy relationship is built on three main tenets: good communication, honesty and trust,” Dr. Borland says. “Marriage counseling can help you restore all three.”
It gives you a neutral space to talk through challenges that can be hard to navigate on your own. A therapist guides the conversation and gives you tools to build a stronger connection.
6 benefits of marriage counseling
Let’s take a closer look at six benefits of couples counseling:
- Better communication: Maybe you’re talking past one another, or one or both of you are being passive-aggressive. A therapist can help you break destructive communication cycles so you both feel heard.
- Stronger connection: Counseling encourages honest conversations and vulnerability. This, along with “homework assignments,” like scheduled date nights, can help you rebuild both emotional and physical intimacy, Dr. Borland says.
- More teamwork: You’ll learn to approach problems as partners working toward a solution instead of opponents trying to win.
- Greater understanding: Exploring your experiences, perspectives and behaviors can boost empathy and help you better understand one another. It can also help you recognize the role each of you may play in conflicts.
- Less stress: Healthy communication can reduce conflict-related stress and help you cope better with inevitable challenges, like life changes and health concerns.
- Clarity about what’s next: In some cases, counseling helps couples strengthen their relationship. In others, it helps them decide whether separation or divorce is the healthiest path forward, Dr. Borland points out.
Why couples counseling can sometimes fail
Couples counseling can be highly effective. But you have to be willing to do the work.
“It takes a lot of mental and emotional effort to make lasting changes,” Dr. Borland acknowledges. “If one or both spouses aren’t up for the challenge, there’s a good chance you won’t reach your goals.”
Reasons couples therapy may not work include:
- Lack of commitment: If you have to force your partner to come to therapy or they think the relationship isn’t worth saving, therapy likely won’t help.
- Lack of openness and honesty: If you’re giving one-word answers or not telling the whole truth, it can be hard to make progress. Your therapist and partner won’t fully understand the issues at hand, which makes it tough to figure out how to solve them.
- Not doing the work: You have to practice the skills you learn in therapy at home. Otherwise, the appointments turn into venting sessions that lead nowhere.
- Poor therapist fit: Sometimes, you just don’t jibe with your therapist. It happens. But Dr. Borland recommends attending three or four sessions before changing direction.
If you’ve gone through marriage therapy but notice the same issues building up (or different ones developing), that doesn’t mean therapy didn’t work the first time.
“Relationships evolve, and new life stages provide different challenges,” Dr. Borland notes. “It’s OK if you need to revisit therapy down the road.”
6 signs it’s time to try couples therapy
There’s no perfect time to start counseling, says Dr. Borland. But these signs may suggest it’s time to seek support:
- Communication struggles: Frequent arguments (especially over the same topic) and silent treatments squash connection and increase tension.
- A drop in intimacy: If you feel like roommates rather than romantic partners, a marriage counselor can help you get your spark back.
- Broken trust: Whether it’s lying or physical or emotional infidelity, you can work through betrayals and determine whether you can reestablish trust.
- Major life changes: Big transitions, like new parenthood, grief, moving, job loss and retirement, can have a huge impact on your marriage. Being able to navigate life changes together is important, emphasizes Dr. Borland.
- Mental health concerns: Conditions like depression or anxiety can affect relationship dynamics. “Psychologists recommend individual therapy to help manage these conditions.” Dr. Borland says. “But marriage counseling can help you work through how they affect your relationship.”
- Physical health concerns: Sudden or long-term health conditions can put pressure on a partnership. That may complicate your routines, finances and emotional connection.
“Many couples have strengthened and saved their marriage with counseling,” reassures Dr. Borland. “The key is that both partners are willing to engage in the process and do the work.”